Relationship Difficulties
Relationship difficulties are common and can affect anyone, regardless of their age, gender, or background. We can often get stuck in certain patterns of behaviour and find them difficult to get out of. Exploring these with a therapist, either on a one-to-one basis or as a couple, can be helpful. Therapists who are ‘Relate’ trained in couples counselling and who have previously worked with Relate in this field are available.
What is a healthy relationship?
Every relationship is unique and has its own strengths and challenges. All relationships whether intimate or not, can have their ups and downs and often cover a broad range of problems. However, a healthy relationship is one where both partners feel respected, supported, and valued.
Communication is one of the most important factors in any relationship. It should be open and honest. A healthy relationship is one where you should both be able to express your feelings, needs, and expectations clearly and respectfully without blame, criticism or judgement. Whilst not exhaustive, below are some strategies that can help support, improve or maintain a healthy relationship:
- Respect each other’s preferences, choices and opinions even when these differ from your own.
- Support and encourage each other to pursue your individual goals and interests alongside making time for each other.
- Celebrate each other’s achievements and successes.
- Do not discourage or put each other down.
- Trust and respect each other’s privacy and boundaries.
- Have fun together and make time for each other when you can.
How do I recognise an abusive relationship?
An abusive relationship is one where someone uses words or actions to harm, control or manipulate you. Abuse can be physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, or financial and have a serious effect on your physical and mental health. It can happen in any type of relationship, is always intentional and never justified.
Some signs of an abusive relationship are:
- Your partner insults, criticises or humiliates you, either in private or in public.
- Your partner blames you for their abusive behaviour and makes you feel responsible for their problems.
- Your partner shows extreme mood swings and unpredictable reactions that make you feel scared or confused.
- Your partner acts jealous, possessive, or paranoid and accuses you of being unfaithful or dishonest without any evidence.
- Your partner threatens to hurt you, themselves, or someone else if you don’t do what they want.
- Your partner tries to isolate you from your friends, family or other sources of support.
- Your partner controls your money, activities, appearance, or decisions.
- Your partner forces you to have sex or perform sexual acts that you don’t want to do, or makes you feel guilty for saying no.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that often occurs in abusive relationships. The term comes from the 1938 play Gas Light, in which a husband tries to convince his wife that she is going insane by dimming the gas lights in their home and denying that anything is wrong. It is a covert type of emotional abuse in which the abuser misleads the abused over an extended period of time. Gaslighting can occur in various contexts, such as personal relationships, workplace, politics, or media. Gaslighting can have serious consequences for the victim’s mental and emotional health resulting in them questioning the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality or sanity. This in turn can lead to feelings of confusion, loss of confidence, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Common gaslighting tactics include an abuser:
- Projecting their own flaws onto others.
- Changing the rules or expectations without warning or explanation.
- Denying or minimising the other person’s feelings or experiences (eg. “You are just being dramatic”).
- Lying or distorting the truth even when there is evidence to the contrary (eg. “I never said that, you must have imagined it”).
- Minimising their abusive behaviour or accusing their victim of being abusive.
- Blaming or deflecting responsibility for their own actions or mistakes when confronted by others (eg. “It’s not my fault you’re unhappy, you’re the one who is always nagging me”).
- Trying to discredit your intelligence, credibility, opinion or experience (eg. “You don’t know what you are talking about. You are going mad”).
If you think you are being gaslighted, it is important to seek help from a trusted person or a professional therapist. You are not alone and you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.