Bereavement or Loss
Bereavement is the loss of someone or something that really matters both personally and emotionally. At some time in our lives we are all affected by grief, the emotional response of bereavement, whether through death, divorce, separation, redundancy or any other major loss. It can be influenced by many factors, such as the nature of the loss, the person’s personality, coping style, life experience, and support systems. It is not uncommon for children to delay their grieving until it is ‘safe enough’ to grieve, especially if a parent is not coping.
Grief can cause many different symptoms and they affect people in different ways. Some of the most common symptoms include shock, numbness, overwhelming sadness, exhaustion, anger and guilt. However, there is no right or wrong way to feel.
Whatever our loss, the emotional effects are the same and often come in waves triggered by reminders of the loss or on special occasions. As we deal with the different phases of grief (below), it can affect us emotionally, physically, mentally, socially and spiritually.
Shock and Denial
The denial stage of grief is a way of coping with overwhelming emotions and avoiding the painful reality. It can manifest as disbelief, shock, numbness or avoidance of reminders of the loss or trauma. It can help people to temporarily function and carry on with their daily activities but it is not a permanent state and usually fades as people start to accept and process their feelings.
Bargaining
The bargaining stage of grief involves trying to negotiate with a ‘higher power’, oneself, or others to change the outcome or avoid the pain. Some examples of bargaining are:
– If only I had done this differently, they would still be alive/be here.
– Please God, just let them live.
– If you give me another chance, I will be a better person.
– Maybe if I do this, they will come back to me.
Bargaining is a way of coping with feelings of helplessness, guilt, anger, or fear. It can also be a way of holding on to hope or avoiding reality. However, bargaining usually does not change anything, can prolong the healing process and lead to self-blame or unrealistic expectations.
Some ways to cope with the bargaining stage of grief are accepting that the loss or trauma is real and irreversible; recognising that bargaining is a normal but temporary stage of grief; seeking support from others who understand what you are going through; expressing your feelings in a healthy way such as writing, talking, crying or practicing self-care and compassion for yourself and others.
Anger and Guilt
Feelings of anger and guilt are common when a person is grieving a loss. You may feel angry at the person you have lost, anger at the illness that took them away, anger at yourself or others. Equally, hindsight often comes into play when grieving. You may carry feelings of guilt because of the regret you feel about things you did/didn’t say or do when you had the chance.
Depression and Loneliness
It is usual to feel low for a period after a loss, especially as we continually reflect on the past as the future can feel too difficult. With time, you can slowly start to heal and rebuild your life. However, if you continue to struggle with grief, you may need some psychological support to help you process what has happened and Reflections can help with this. There is no ‘normal’ time span for grief so it is never too late to get support.
Acceptance
Whilst grief can be complicated by other issues such as anger, it can also be a source of growth and resilience. As we learn to accept our loss, adapt and slowly begin to find new meaning and purpose in life, we can start to move forward.